Reprioritizing
On Friday I had a 1 1/2 hour meeting. It was no big deal -
we were meeting on Skype, from the desk in my office area and really shouldn't
use too much energy. Or so I thought. Because it turns out that thinking and
focusing uses a lot of energy.
At about the one hour mark, whatever energy I had left
started leaving my body. I wasn't getting tired so much as actually feeling
energy and strength drain from my body like water from a barrel. By the time we
signed off, I had nothing. I felt like RA Guy at the supermarket, unable to
move. Perhaps not quite as catastrophic, but I could see it from where I was.
This has never happened to me before. I've been tired, felt exhausted, known
that the crash was imminent, but never experienced such a profound low in
energy without being quite sick.
I managed to scrape together some lunch and it helped the
dizzy and the nausea a little. Had a nap, a weird one with what felt like fever
dreams, half awake, but with people and conversations happening around me
despite it being just me and the cat in my apartment. The rest of the evening
was spent in a haze of feeling awful. There was lightheaded, there was nausea,
there was feeling as if every sound was an assault on my eardrums and I know
The Boy and I had a conversation, but none of it went into even short-term
memory.
By yesterday, I was well enough that I could write an
article due later today, but when it was done, the wooziness was back and I
wasn't feeling right. I went to see my doctor, told her about Friday, checked
my blood test results from last week and with the exception of being low on
vitamin D, I am perfectly fine.
"How," I asked rather plaintively (OK, maybe
petulantly), "can I feel like such crap and yet be perfectly fine?" And
she talked to me about having no energy left and pacing myself and I didn't
really listen. Because I don't when people tell me this - if I pace myself, I'd
never do anything.
I went back home and fought the urge to work some more,
telling myself that two hours in the day was enough and was pleased with my
progress. Immediately thereafter, I angsted about how I was going to get
through a two-hour meeting planned for the evening, one in which we would be
discussing Very Important Things. Something made me take a look at the agenda
and as I did, a small voice in the back of my head asked "is any of this
more important than your need to rest?"
And then I e-mailed my regrets to the meeting. Spent the
rest of the day having a nap, a nice dinner, watching wonderfully mindless TV,
then reading a good book.
Last week, I mentioned how believing you’re indispensable is
the first sign of an impending nervous breakdown. I have discovered it has a
corollary. Believing everything on your list is absolutely crucial is the first
sign of an impending physical breakdown.
I have completely and utterly lost perspective. When the
people who love you say they worry about how much you're working, you should
listen. When your doctor tells you to pace yourself, you should listen. When
your body begs for mercy, you should listen.
Is any of this more
important than your need to take care of yourself?
It is a question I need to ask more often.
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