A Rant in the Key of Big Brother

We’re about midway through the eighth season of Big Brother - yes, today is about a reality show, but be patient, there is a major rant coming - and for the first time in nearly 8 years of faithful obsession to the awful brilliance that is BB, I’m considering dumping the show.

The remaining contestants are:
Dick. I find him fascinating. There are times when he's walking caricature, an Id on legs and there are times when he is the closest real-life approximation of Tommy Gavin in Rescue Me I've ever seen - equally aggravating, yet at times so poignant it breaks your heart. On one hand, he is loving, generous, loyal, funny and smart and then every now and again he breaks into intense verbally abusive rages. He wears his heart and his hatred on his sleeve, appears to be rebelling against something still, is working very, very hard to reconcile with his daughter (Daniele, below) and when he used his hard-earned Veto to take her off the block it got to me (yes, I know it's just a game, but still...). I am bowled over by how unapologetic he is about his life and choices and - can’t believe I’m saying this - think I've learned something from him about being fearless. I don’t much like his intimidation tactics, but if you're the kind of person who loses your shit on a regular basis, why not make it into a strategy? Yet at the same time, many of his outbursts appear to be scripted and rehearsed and if you pay attention, instead of being lost in the offensiveness that can be him, you start to notice that he doesn't target people that he respects.

Daniele. At barely 21, she is very, very young. She made a cardinal mistake by isolating herself with Nick early on in the game and once he was voted out, she only has her father in her corner and it looks like he's going to be voted out this week. Not a smart game move, which is too bad, because she is one of the few people this season who is otherwise a pretty decent player.

The floaters:
Jen. Initially, I hated her. I've since come around to find her particular brand of obliviousness quite charming. She is providing many laughs and once she dumped the vindictive nastiness, I quite like her. Along with Dani, she represents one of the very few people who may be playing the game with some degree of skill and strategy (I’m undecided whether her ditziness is real or an act).

Zach. A man in search of an alliance. Unfortunately, he seems to be incredibly awkward, lumbering around trying to become part of conversations and soundly rebuffed by everybody in the Turd Herd (more below). Be careful, idiots, that arrogance might bite you in the arse soon.

Which brings me to the new Nerd Herd - except they are so nasty, they had to be renamed. Remember season six? When hating Cappy and his groupies was fun? Hating this season's alliance of "good people" is not fun at all.

Jessica. Again, disliked her in the beginning, but it seems to be that her bratty behaviour against Carol was acting (apparently, the producers were desperate for another team of rivals). She seems fairly normal and might be a pretty decent person who is finally exhibiting some signs of gameplay.

Amber. Or Wahmber, as she has been renamed, due to the constant exercising of her tear ducts. I'd feel sorry for her - as an addict in recovery, she's clearly psychologically unequipped for this game - except she is turning out to be a complete bigot and hypocrite. I cannot believe the ignorant crap that comes out of her mouth.

Dustin. Or, as I've started calling him, Dustbin. Started out liking him, then he showed himself to be a cowardly, arrogant, mean-spirited little snot. Has gone up as a pawn against Dick this week and I would dearly love to see his hateful arse evicted. Now, that would make for excellent television and would completely throw the house for a loop!

Jameka. She of the blinding hypocrisy. Initially appeared consistent and sane, then two weeks ago in the Veto competition, she passed on $10,000 and banned herself from participating in the next 5 Head of Household competitions (essentially ensuring that she goes home) and promptly lost her composure, spending the next 20 minutes having a meltdown (see the brilliant editing here, with Jen’s beautifully oblivious wandering back and forth in a bunny costume). Haven’t recovered since, proceeding to some truly astounding re-interpretations of god’s messages, completely based on what’s good for her in the game and showing a real nasty side (apparently not inconsistent with her faith). When Dick gets evicted, she’s asked everyone to stay on the couches to demonstrate their hatred of him (normally they walk the evictee to the door and hug) and has called his mother names in a fight with him. You can say much about Dick’s rants, but he keeps it personal and doesn’t drag in people’s families.

Eric. Being America's Player is absolutely not an easy gig and one that requires deviousness, but he's showing his true colours and boy, are they ugly. He confided to another houseguest that he’d tell the house Amber’s dirty little secret when it’d work the game in his favour. When he narrowly escaped eviction last week, he got unbearably arrogant and smut-talked Dick all over the place, mentioning that he thought his “constant pawing” of his daughter was sexual and he wouldn’t be surprised to come upon them in the act. Some fathers are like that (mine among them) - it’s called displays of affection, you vile little cretin! He’s repeatedly called Zach a child molester and I’ll stop here before we all barf. I'd rather have Dick screaming in my face than spend any time in the proximity of that nasty little piece of shite. He makes me feel like I need a shower and I've decided to henceforth refer to Eric and his overacting eyebrows as America's Weasel.

Much as I despise the Turd Herd, they might be fun to dislike if it wasn't for the Weasel. His increasingly disturbing commentary has made me not only think about writing CBS in protest, but made me thisclose to stop watching. Which, come to think of it, might actually give me my life back...