I've Got Issues

We all know that reality shows are a scourge upon the earth and have no redeeming social value whatsoever. We should be reading Shakespeare instead! Saving kittens from wells! Single-handedly achieving world peace and ending hunger!

Now that we got that out of the way, can we talk about American Idol? Not the contestants, although Bo's my man, for single-handedly introducing good, old-fashioned rock to a generation raised on the pablum of Britney Spears, N Sync and the like. My issues are with the host, Ryan Seacrest. To wit:

1. Could somebody please muzzle him? Or at least explain the difference between a 'host' and a 'judge' and put a stop to his post-performance reviews, which are inevitably gushing, even when the contestant in question has utterly butchered a song.

2. What is it with the - and I apologise for the crudity, but it really is the only way to describe it - pissing contest he continuously tries to start with Simon Cowell? He is hopelessly outclassed and although there was a certain perverse pleasure in watching the tiger lazily swatting the wet, yipping Chihuahua, it's embarrassing and quite frankly, becoming deeply boring.

3. Lastly, while I am in full rant mode, could someone - gently - tell the man that his 'professional' smile is a little too forced. I have seen him smile naturally and he's quite normal-looking when he does. But the professional one? It makes him look like a giant bi-pedal carp.

Lene out.