I, Zombie

I’m tired. Not the kind of tired that is solved by a nap or even a good night’s sleep. This is the kind of tired that has me starting to resemble one of the shambling undead.

And it’s not the flare. The flare is not as bad as it was, although still there, and sure, it does make me tired. When you have half the energy of normal, it doesn’t take much before you reach the end of your daily capacity. Come to think of it, although the fatigue that is directly related to the flare is part of the tired, it’s another thing that’s really kicking my arse and is related to the flare in a more convoluted way.

See, the flare gives me painsomnia, the inability to sleep due to pain. Even when I can fall asleep I somehow tense up during the night and wake up in the kind of pain that can be described as Not Fun At All. So I take meds to help me sleep and un-tense. More specifically muscle relaxants called Flexeril. They’re quite wonderful at knocking me out and helping me wake up in the kind of pain that’s entirely manageable. For a while anyway. As day goes on, the flare returns, but repeated doses of Flexeril keeps it at a mostly tolerable level.

However not only does Flexeril give me dreams that are even wilder and crazier than my usual collection, they have a very bad additional side effect not listed anywhere.

They make me a zombie.

I wake up sleepy, which quickly progresses to fatigue, with exhausted following right on its tail. This makes it difficult to get anything done, but I drag myself to the computer anyway. Once there, I gaze blearily at the blank document in front of me, incapable of writing anything remotely entertaining. What does eventually end up in the document is lifeless, as if written by an automaton. Which comes really close to defining my current state. I can’t remember anything, and can’t muster up enough energy to care.

In the past week, I have started three blog posts and by “started” I mean written the title and saved the document. I wrote the better part of one post, then didn’t have enough energy to edit the photos for it. Which is no big loss, as reading the post later convinced me it should not be let into the public eye. I’ve forgotten… Well, I’ve forgotten a fair number of important things, none of which come to mind at the moment.

I love Flexeril, this magic little pill that helps me sleep and takes a lot of the pain away. And the zombiefication isn’t too bad when I only use it once in a while. It doesn’t matter if a day’s a little slow, as long as that only happens once a week or so. The problem is when my Fibro is flaring as it is now and I need my lovely Flexeril every night and every day at naptime. Being consistently mentally vacant and physically drained starts to get on your nerves after a while.

Well, theoretically, anyway. Things getting on your nerves assumes you’re connected enough to the world to care. Which, as I have mentioned already, is only vaguely the case.

All of the above explains the lack of much of anything on this blog lately. I do think of you often, but it remains a thought. I’m hoping my body will acclimate itself to this medication so I can get my brain back ….

Wait… Did anyone say brains?

Braaaiiinns…. Braaaiiinnns….


Chrissy said…
Ah yes, the endless juggling and tweaking to find the balance between being a zombie because you are not sleeping and being a zombie because your meds to help you sleep make you one. Yup, I know that one well. Hopefully you will adjust soon, or your flare will die down - or alternatively you won't care because you've left your brain somewhere and forgotten where that was. Good luck!

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