Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Job Opportunity

I did a lot of thinking over the holidays. That is, once I was no longer hopelessly snotlogged from the sinus infection that severely impacted my ability to think to such an extent that I couldn't chat idly on the phone and look at a photograph at the same time - not editing it, just looking at. It was quite ridiculous. However, once that abated and I got my brain back, I did a lot of thinking about the busyness of my life.

One of my friends once told me that I was the busiest unemployed person he knew and now that I am no longer completely unemployed, things have gotten a little out of hand when my already full life grew. Did I ever mention my theory that a life is much like a purse? You fill it to the brim no matter how big or small it is (this is why I refuse to get a purse much larger than a brick or two and often of the same heft). Add to the general things that we all do, there is also the disability part of the equation, which takes up an inordinate amount of time and effort and altogether, it sucks up all your time and energy and when your time and energy are lower than most people's because of miscellaneous pain issues, by the time you're done with what you have to do, there's nothing left and you're rendered incapable of doing anything but drooling in front of the TV. And the more I thought about this, the more I realized how much writing I wasn't getting done while I was running all the various aspects of my life.

I have therefore decided that I need a wife.

Think about it. There's a reason why historically, most artists, writers, painters, philosophers and what have you have been men. Because they had wives who ran the household seamlessly and quietly, catered to their every whim, up to and including keeping nuisances and disturbances away from the sancto sanctorum where The Master (to be breathed in reverent tones) was thinking/writing/painting/picking his nose. I've even heard of someone - and at this particular moment, I don't remember who it was - who had a wife and a mistress, both of whom cooperated in enabling the guy to create in peace. No wonder the bastards were so productive! And no wonder women couldn't be.

So it's logical that I need me one of those. And I don't want a personal assistant, because they cost money. Essentially, I want an indentured servant, but someone who is unlikely to put arsenic in my tea before they attempt to escape, which leaves you with the option of someone who is catering to your every whim out of love. Well, and to be historically correct, necessity, as women weren't allowed to be on their own, but that's a post for another day.

The position requires the following:

Gen. housekeeping tasks, including, but not limited to, continually assessing stock of food and supplies, meal planning, grocery shopping, maintaining a neat, clean and orderly home (not that I do that, but I have higher standards of indentured servants), plant care, answering of door and telephone, taking messages and preferably dealing with issues without involving me

Gen. paperwork and financial management, including engaging in business correspondence when required, banking, bill payment, submitting invoices, filing

Continuous monitoring of ill cat, including an awareness of frequency and consistency of bowel movements, general state of health throughout the day, maintenance of medical history of ill cat, liaising with various veterinary clinics, administering medication during which cat transforms into snarling, spitting demon with a multitude of legs and mouths, daily grooming and cuddling, providing entertainment and play sessions when cat feeling well enough to do so

Maintaining interpersonal relationship with family and friends, including regular phone calls, remembering birthdays and anniversaries, purchasing appropriate cards and gifts, wrapping said gifts, writing thoughtful and witty cards and arranging lunch/dinner plans with recipient and/or mailing cards/gifts, providing emotional and/or practical support when necessary

Managing of volunteer duties (e.g., tenant rep, committee member), including going to several monthly committee meetings, maintain lists of community resources and appropriate contact information, awareness of building and community issues, preparing for meetings, engaging in follow-up, including preparation of reports and e-mails with misc. stakeholders, communication with stakeholders (includes letters, newsletters and meetings) and proactive planning and community development

Managing large medical support team, including doctors (family and specialists), nurses, physiotherapists, pharmacists, occupational therapists, naturopath, acupuncturist, shiatsu therapist, dentist, etc. This includes managing 40+ years worth of information pertaining to medical history, medications and treatments tried, maintaining adequate store of current medications and supplements, staying abreast of new treatment approaches, both traditional and alternative, managing appointment schedule and at all times be prepared to manipulate suggest adjustments to idiotic treatment plans

Managing other disability related aspects, including wheelchair maintenance, coordinating transportation, funding applications re: replacement of wheelchair, medications, equipment, etc. (all requiring a protracted amount of attention, filling out a multitude of forms, liaising with resources re: additional information and translation of bureaucratese), managing and training attendant care providers, both individual staff and management of agency, management and training of other professionals/agencies as needed, including to at all times be prepared to drop everything at aforementioned agencies' whim and dedicate whatever time - minutes, hours, days - necessary to address problem, while ensuring continual high standards of other duties

Other duties as assigned.

Any takers?

2 comments:

Kia said...

By my count, that's at least 7 different jobs. And you do it. Congratulations.

Personally, I, too, have always wanted a wife. (I'm female too.). But it would have to be a wife from another decade, like the 30's or 40's or whenever, before women began getting those uppity notions of equality. I think perhaps they have always had these ideas. Women are not stupid, as men seemed (and seem) to think for so many generations, but they didn't have the societal structure to support them.

My life is about 1/8th as busy as yours and I barely cope. You are my muse. Go get 'em girl.

Gaina said...

'Essentially, I want an indentured servant, but someone who is unlikely to put arsenic in my tea before they attempt to escape, which leaves you with the option of someone who is catering to your every whim out of love.'

Err, Lene? You've officially turned into a cat. ;)

Speaking of which, I'm sorry to hear Lucy is poorly, I hope she's better soon. Give her a kiss from me and Billy (who himself is nursing a spot of indigestion today after yesterday's overindulgence). xx